Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
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Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.