Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
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I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
wut hotdog?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.