Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
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showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
