Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.