Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
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returning to work after a holiday weekend like
My first son he is wonderful
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
This one’s “Alex”.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.