Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
You Might Also Like
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Breaking news:
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL