Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

wishing you and yours all the best

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.