Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
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All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
