Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
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going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
My wedding will be open casket.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.