I am having an out of money experience.
You Might Also Like
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.