[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
You Might Also Like
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
i did the math
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”