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@SingleVicky

I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day.

Then I remembered he’s imaginary.

So I’m good.

@kwirkyKerri

There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.

@whatdreamsmaygo

alcohol has an odd way of revealing who we really are. turns out, I’m batman.

@LittleMissAngr1

Them: why are you wearing a cape?

Me: i feel naked without it

Them: you are naked

Me: no, i’m wearing my cape

@Bipartisanism

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

@HollyMemphis

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.