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I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day.

Then I remembered he’s imaginary.

So I’m good.


There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.


alcohol has an odd way of revealing who we really are. turns out, I’m batman.


Them: why are you wearing a cape?

Me: i feel naked without it

Them: you are naked

Me: no, i’m wearing my cape


“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama


Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.