Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.