Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.