Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
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Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
man: wait
time: no
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself