pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
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Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
on da cob, we all corn
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.