Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

What the hell happened here.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut