Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!