Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
You Might Also Like
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
#Caturday
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”