Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
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GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She