Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
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Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
why no one uses midhusbands
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
A friend helps you before you need it
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Not my job 😂
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
