[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
You Might Also Like
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this