Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.