[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
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Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
do horses think humans are hats
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …