Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

💯😂

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut