Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
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Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
That’s not how days work.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
The First Farmer
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.