Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

I am, perchance

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

don’t be scared

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.