Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So sick of all these stupid rules

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want