Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE