Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

So that’s what we looked like?

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

I love this❤️😁👍

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.