Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.