Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
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CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Born to be mild.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
#oldknees
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.