Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

Is this anything

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.