Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.