It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
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Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
i have one speed and it’s mosey
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha