Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

Life hack

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.