Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666