Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a bad sign

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Not today.. 😂

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born