pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I enjoy a good short stor
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.