My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
when someone rings the doorbell
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Nothing.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.