I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet
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“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”
~ At a bar last night ~
Her: I don’t want to be alone tonight
Me: Well, I can take care of that
*takes her home*
Me: Pick any cat you want
Oh white people,
is there anything you won’t try to fix with a 5K run/walk?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
How about Amazon starts using gargoyles for clothes models so I know what it will look like on me
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
If you have twins name them Adam & Steve so when someone says “Uh, it’s Adam & Eve” you can be like “OH REALLY?” and have the boys attack!!