Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
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i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Mistakes were made
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
found a horse’s reddit account
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me