Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
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Oh my god
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL