Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

#ParentingFacts

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

i’m gonna allow it

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.