Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.