Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

nature’s most graceful animal

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

“just sayin” who asked you though?

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.