Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?