pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
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Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar