pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
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[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19