Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

journal

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends