pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.