me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
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[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I’m already scared
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Finally, an explanation.
5 ways to appear taller
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
🔦🌙👣
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Room with a view.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.