Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

I find it very sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his failures, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.