Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

how do y’all walk in shallow water

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

ㅤ

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”