[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
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[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?