Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

San Francisco has too many rules

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.