Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

The fall of Netflix

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.