Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.