[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys