Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

I’ve been lied to my entire life

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone