Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.