pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
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That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit