Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.