Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Just a phase…

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.