pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
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“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”