Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
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the plot of inception is literally just
wake me up (wake me up inside)
white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Oh, you want to know if I’m a good kisser?
*puts cherry stem in mouth*
*spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away