Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

everyone’s a critic

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”