Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.