Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
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Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Best seat on the street 😍
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.