Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

Broom by every window for quick escape.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.