pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.