pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
😂🤣😂🤣
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter