pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
technique
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle