Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

why neck hurt

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.