Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

Autocarrot sucks!

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.