pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks