pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
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You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.