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Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.