Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
You Might Also Like
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.