Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

I can’t stop laughing at this

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

ㅤ

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

Did I do this right

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.