Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL