Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
that lip filler tho
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.