Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Stick it to the man

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake