Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.