Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see